Wednesday, August 23, 2017

This long trip is ending.

half way packing. 

Couldn't believe it this long trip is coming to an end.

I feel sad leaving because I had so much fun with my friends (which we became a roomie/next door this semester). We are so loud till the nerdy next door knocked our door telling us to keep quiet. No one realised it was almost 12. That's how much fun we had.

But after calling my mom yesterday and I heard through the phone how they had so much fun over there with the kids, I just can't wait to go home. Even though..... final is waiting for me. lol.


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

'Dirty' Thoughts

That night was so breezy and cold. The wind blew through the branches, passing through the window and brushed my cheek as if it was going to rain that night. *Update: it rained, at 3 a.m.

It was a peaceful friday night. My roommates, some are getting ready to sleep and some are still studying from the table while I was still writing down answers for that one question from a set of past year questions.

Heize's You, Rain and Cloud came on shuffle and I put down my pen as the song was totally fitting in with the weather. I put down my head on the table and listened to the song while thinking of the final episodes of my favourite drama of the year, 7 Days Queen.

As usual, I had a month break from kdramas to focus on my final. If you didn't know yet, I usually put my 98% feels in the drama I was watching. If it had a happy scene, I would smile till the next day, if it had a sad scene, I would cry till the next day (usually longer). If it had a stressful scene, I would have a meal more than than usual. And this is the reason why I have to take a break.

Ok, back to the topic. It was my weekend night and an idea came into my mind while I was working on the case study. "Maybe I should try cheating this time - it's only 2 hours for 2 episodes. Meanwhile watching at midnight will do no harm. or else I would have just sleep", the devil inside me speaking.

And that's when the song came on shuffle. I was so determined to follow what my heart was saying. Suddenly, my memories playback what happened few weeks before. I bid farewell to my parents. I hugged them and said "sorry" to their ears. While walking up on the escalator, I cried again. While waiting for boarding, I texted them saying "sorry for dissapointing" again while crying. While on board, I cried more.

Tears started to flow down through my chubby cheeks. Ahh..I promised myself not to say sorry to them anymore for failing. I promised myself to not cry in front of them anymore. I promised myself to study harder.

That's when I lift up my face, wiped up the tears away, delete the thoughts of watching from my mind and get my ass glued to the study chair and focus on studying!

*update: this post supposed to be published more than 2 weeks ago but I got caught up with studying and mingle-ing with friends so.......yeppp*

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

And so it happened.....

Ssup guys, i am currently blogging in my room in my uni hostel

and you could guess what does that mean......

yepp... i am back in uitm guys. and yes, I failed my FINAL paper and I could not become an affiliate (yet). How was I, you wonder? So here I am writing this post for the future me could be reminded how hard it is to become an affiliate.

I never tell my parents the exam date. I just briefly told them it would be on second week of July till my friend came to our house and told him it would be out on monday of 17th at 7 in the morning. (Thanks fam! lolll) Since then my parents sort of pressuring me even more about result date. ummm okay.....I usually left home 2-3 days before result day because I have to register for new semester the next day but this time, I bought a flight ticket to KL on the day the result day so that I could planned what to do after the result was released in the morning.

It was even more pressuring because it was my final semester and my final two papers. I am either could pursue on looking for a job or I have to resit for exam. I could only tawakal to Allah. I could not miss out praying for my result everyday.

That morning, I woke up by myself for subuh. And I cleaned up my room because I was leaving on that day and scrolled twitter for a while till the clock ticked at 7 o'clock. 4 minutes later, my phone beeped a message came in. 


I was already redha because at that time the result has been tattooed in the text message and I didn't think God can change the numbers.

"P6 - 50% Pass"
"P7 - 49% Fail"

My heart dropped on the floor. First thing I did was sujud syukur right away for that one pass. At the end of the day, it is better to pass one rather than none. The next thing was..I stood in front of the door of my room and hold the handle for 10 minutes. I whispered to myself, "how do I go do I go do I go out" for that long.

I could not go out of my room and face my parents. But, I finally went out after 10 minutes and the door of my parents' room was already open as if they were waiting for me. I just froze and my brain just could not process on walking to the room.

I closed my eyes and walked into the room and back-hugged my mom who was lying on the bed and she thought it was dad that hugged her (come on mom...) and i was silent for 5 minutes. Without realizing tears started to flow down on my cheeks. Mom thought I was going to surprise them. No mom, no. So, I told them and I already know they were dissapointed.

I whatsapp-ed the group and dad even wrote NEXT TO ME how he was feeling so sad and all. Mom said she wanted to held a kenduri kesyukuran if I passed. Dad said he wanted to free out the bird he saved the other day if I passed. And I let both down.

It was so frustrated because I failed at 49%. I lacked of 1% to become an affiliate, to achieve all the wishes my parents had, to finish everything.

The other day, when I was on my way to the hostel to check in my room, the moment we step into uitm, the moment I have to climb up the hills and stairs to my faculty, the moment I have to register for my class, the moment I went to DC to buy dinner, the moment I went to supermarket to buy necessary stuff and more, I hate myself more and more. I hate THE 1% that made me re-do all this stuff that I bid farewell a month ago.

The moment I walked out from my hostel last month, I already said to myself I am not coming here again. I waved goodbye to my faculty, to the places I often went to, to every places in this uni. And when I think about this, again, I keep hating myself even more. I am usually okay for failing my papers but NOT WHEN I AM LACK OF 1 MARK TO PASS MY FINAL PAPER.

I will forever hate this mark. And I will forever hate myself for not trying harder. I will forever hate the lack of one mark that make me restart everything, to leave home when I am not prepared to leave. Till tonight, I am still resent myself. I feel like eating a painkiller because it hurts so bad. Or.... I feel like stabbing myself more because I am already in pain. I felt demotivated. I lose the will to study again.

However, when I look back at the text message, little did I forget, I passed one. the 50% marks that made me passed the paper I thought I would failed, that I afraid to resit the paper. I forgot I prayed to pass even if with 50% and Allah granted it. I resent myself for not being grateful. Oh Lord, is this a test you give to me?

That morning, I texted my P6 lecturer, Dr. Lai. And she replied with 3 different color hearts along with "I am so happy for you!!" and a congratulation. My parents were silent because they were sad. It saddened me more. But the text brightened up my sorrow morning. I could not stop thanking her. And this noon, she sent a photo of names that would received a present. She promised us prior to exam to give souvenirs from China for top scorers and most improves ! (She went to China during our study leaves loll) and MY NAME WAS IN THE PHOTO! I could not stop smiling thinking of the present that I was about to receive!

Lord.... are you giving me rainbows one by one ? Sure Lord, you know even more how bad the storms and all catastrophe I had in my soul and body.

Tho I am still resenting myself, life has to move on and I have to get back on track and I HAVE TO PASS THE LAST PAPER!! Pray for me everyone. For me to be able on making my parents grins from ears to ears.

Monday, July 17, 2017

My final exam result will be released in few hours and i am so hella nervous right now. :(