Saturday, January 6, 2018

Quick new year updates!

Couple of weeks have passed since the tragic news. I am still in sorrow, still grieving, still couldn't forget the fact that he's gone. Tons of draft I planned to finish writing and published 'em before the year ends failed me.

Here the quick updates of my new year, my new life that I always missed timing to post about it. This supposed to be the most exciting post of the phase in my life.


It is a small company. I got a call for an interview for the last week of 2017 and 2 days later I got a call that I got accepted. (I shall save this till the next post....well I really promised a lot but sorry life eat me and my time....I'LL TRY !)

I have been working since the 1st January. So far, it isn't that great. But I thought it is too early to judge. Anyway, my parents send me and fetch me from the office everyday. No jam, no hastle, so I am quite happy about that part.

I am now part of the audit team. Life is really amazing right ? I can't imagine I am in this department. It was never be in my life plan tho. For now, I am just trying to learn hard in this small company for my future. Wish me luck ! xx

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

A tragic news. (warn: NOT mine)

I have been thinking a lot whether or not to write this. This blog was made to keep all the memories that I had. But I think up till now, I have only write the happy memories. I mean other than the failures posts which to remind me the struggle that I had. After a lot of thoughts, I decided to write this. So that I will never forget him.

Yesterday, a tragic news attacked me in the evening at 6.30 p.m. It was none other than, my beloved Jonghyun. You all knows that I really really really love SHINee. Ever since their hello baby era UNTIL NOW. NON STOP!!!! I never take a break from them. I never stan any new groups. Only SHINee until forever.

That evening I finished my skipping routine and while I was preparing for iftar, I reached my phone and "please pray for jonghyun" was on my kakaotalk notification from the intl groupchat. I was like "WHAT HAPPENED?? DID HE GOT INTO ACCIDENT OR WHAT???"

I rushed to twitter and the first two tweets that I saw were both containing "dead". I was panicked. I read slowly "SHINee's Jonghyun was found dead. Potential suicide". Tears rushed out of my eyes down through the cheek. I ran around the house, I screamed, I cried, my fingers did not leave the phone. Mom kept asking what happened. I couldn't tell her. I keep refreshing the feed until I see someone said it was a rumors. but death news all over my timeline. FROM THE WHOLE WORLD media outlet. It was almost azan and mom told me to scoop the rice but I barely could walk. I lost the strength in my legs. I forced myself not to drop the plates and glasses. I kept thinking of him that I didn't realize that I has finished eating.

I wished I was dreaming, I wished I was sleeping, I wish they were lying, I wished they were just a rumors. Suddenly so many celebs, so many fans/non-fans were sending condolences, but I was still not believing it. I asked everyone to say it was just a lie. I asked everyone to say that it was just someone using jonghyun's name. But they are all saying it is the truth and I have to accept it. I STILL COULDN'T FIND THE EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS THE TRUTH, WHY DO I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT?

That night everyone was like "doctor still haven't declare death" "doctors came out saying they are fighting for him" "doctors are doing cpr on him" "the family begged doctor to save him" and some said they were having autopsy etc. I couldn't trust anyone. I was just waiting for SM to release the official statement because I could only trust them.

Even so, I still holding on to the word 'HOPE'. I prayed for a miracle. Even if there is a slight 0.001% of chance that they could save him, I would still put my faith in it. Then everything slows down. I thought he gonna make it.

At 11.30 p.m. ++ (local time), a kakaotalk notif came in from far while I was playing with the kids. I ran to grab my phone and sat down and opened it. "SM has confirmed he is dead"

My heart dropped to the floor. I didn't cry because I cried a lot that evening for few hours. I ran out of tears. I wanted to cry. But I could feel my heart was ripping. My whole timeline was dark. Everyone was crying.

We just hyped up so hard during his concert LAST WEEKEND. We were so excited of the new songs that he released in the concert. He finished filming his music video and jacket shoot 3 days ago. In August, a scandal attacked Onew which made him silence for over 4 months (I cried a lot back then). 5 DAYS AGO, they announced that SHINee will be back as FIVE in February. We cried of joy. We were so excited for the new year! We miss them so bad!! And when his sudden death was hitting me, I was in shock, I was speechless. This was so sudden. I was in denial for the whole night. I could not even sleep that night. I woke up many times last night. The news were playing all over my mind.

That morning, I reached my phone and a news of him leaving his last letter to Nine (a singer and his friend). The tears that I ran out last night was full again that I cried a bucket when I was reading the translation of his letter. It was so painful but I kept on reading it for 3 times (different translators). I could not stop crying that I had headache that morning because of lack of sleep. I tried to change my position and get some sleep again. I did, finally but with the bad dreams......

ahhhhh it was so painful to write this while having his songs playing on itunes -- 

Jonghyun-ah..... You were more like a family to me instead of an idol. SHINee is a family to me. A HUGE part of my heart I gave it to SHINee. I love all five members equally. I once said that even death will never separate us apart. Who would have thought death really comes between us. It is still shocking and I tried to accept it but I couldn't. My friends were saying "stay strong" to me but if only it really gave me strength. "Pain is just a pain" like you always said.

Jonghyun-ah, during my uni days, when I was feeling down, I faced a lot of hardship, I failed a lot, I got tired a lot, my family didn't comfort me the way that I expected them to, but whenever that happened, I chose to listen to your songs and it washed them away. Your songs came into my life and I forgot everything whenever I closed my eyes while listening to your songs.Yes, I could not fully understand the lyrics, but your voice, your music, your songs beat the language barrier. That is how powerful and healing your songs are. 

You helped so many people, you helped people who had depression, you helped people who had panic attack, you helped everyone. Even till the last moment of your life, you registered yourself as an organ donator. You warmed everyone through your voice and your songs. You started DJ-ing on Blue Night. It was a midnight segment (from 12 a.m. till 2 a.m. KST) but I always find any opportunity to listen to it. Tho the connection was slow at my college. Every time I was studying, I chose to listen to your radio because your voice was so soothing. I listened to your radio every night during my study leave. Your voice reading the messages, your voice when you were sharing your own story, it was so perfect with the midnight wind was blowing through the window.

"Thanks to you, my whole life becomes warm"- that was the last quote on the banner on your last day of your concert. It is the truth. I will forever be a truth.

After 3 years of dj-ing, you told us you have to quit for sake of your health. I never thought you had a severe depression. Tho you mentioned it a lot. You mentioned you had depression but I didn't know that. I am so sorry. I regretted this a lot.

You seek for help, you silently reached people through your songs, you silently reached for help. I am so sorry I didn't notice that. I am so sorry I couldn't do anything. I am so sorry I couldn't help you when you helped us a lot. I think the fact that you decided to take your own life, you passing in a painful way, are really painful to me. That's why I couldn't accept your death. That's why I am still in a denial. Because you were suffering alone. You were in pain. You were crying. That hurts me even more. My heart is breaking when I thought of losing you. But it breaks even more because you were enduring the pain behind that smile.

You planned your death. You planned your final concert to see shawols for the last time. (His face when he were looking at the pearl aqua ocean is so painful to watch - we were like "awh he looked at us with tears in his eyes". Who would have thought deep inside he thought "this will be the last" :((( )You planned your final album as a last gift for shawols. You left your final letter before the concert. You planned everything and we didn't know !! You chose to take your own life at a rented officetel alone. How painful would it be for you to come to that decision.

Jonghyun-ah, in my religion, there is no the next life. The hereafter is a long lasting. But if God decided to have a next life, I hope you were born as a normal person that full of happiness! I hope you no longer suffer in this world.

Your friend said you were unable to sleep without sleeping pills. You always told us you cannot sleep until the sun rises, you always told us you sleep late. But yesterday, you slept so early. And no more sleeping pills after this. Sleep well baby. May you rest well up there. SHINee may lose a human but they gained an angel.

Thank you Kim Jonghyun for coming to my life. Thank you for the past 10 years. Thank you for pouring your love on us. Thank you for coming out a great music (which you are the only idol-composer that fit my genre and my style!!!!!) Thank you for everything that you have done in this world. You have worked hard. You've really gone through a lot. Thank you and I love you. Eventhough it will never be the same, you will always remain in my memories FOREVER!

"Jonghyun. Who loved music more than anybody, enjoyed the stage, the greatest artist who liked communicating with his fans through music.

We will always remember you."

An OT5 shawol since 2010.

Friday, December 15, 2017


So, I have already mentioned in my previous entry that I was working on a project and it was about MY FIRST VIDEO EVERR !!!!!!!!!

I kept over 300 footages for almost 6 MONTHS and I finally worked on it and got it uploaded on 5th December at 5.25 p.m. KST (y'all I just gotta make the date so special because it was the day Onew finally spoke up after 4 months of silence and 525 is OUR number a.k.a SHINee's anniversary)

I was inspired by this one vlogger named Joan and she mentioned about keeping your memories in a form of a video so that when you watch it again, it kinda re-live your memories.

Only then I thought- ahh I barely blogs anything about my campus life because I kinda lose my momentum in blogging. 4 years went by and it hit me hard that I was in my final semester. Then I decided to make a video and film things that I have been doing, things I have gone through there. Plus, I still have no plan on pursuing Master in the nearer times, so this is like a treasure box of my life as a student! My 2018 onwards would be all about work work work work and work. Also, I kinda losing my memories little by little, I forgot my old crush's name, I forgot my phone number, I forgot some numbers that I always remember, I forgot how I call my friends' name as etc. So this video would be one of the tools, other than my blog to keep my memories.

The video almost hit 100 views which is a shock to me because I had small number of followers on my sns, I only posted it on twitter, to my family and to my friend, Dali (which is, she's the one who spread it lol). I think some of the views I got because of Lenka (who has manyyyy friends on twitter) and Dali (who also has many fans) retweeted my tweet.

So, here it is, my first baby! It was a super boring one but I hope you enjoyed it!

(Fck I still couldn't figure it out on how to change the thumbnail)
(also, please don't laugh at my channel name because (copy&paste above))

You know rawr means I love You in dinosaur language lol

Edited using my brain with helps of Wondershare Filmora;
Intro music: Free song from the software;
Then, SHINee's View instrumental by Everysing;
The rest, Cheese in the trap OST
(I changed the songs to higher pitch so that I won't get copyrighted and get blocked lolllll)

Till the next one, BYEEEE!

Thursday, December 7, 2017


It is already December and I am still jobless (sigh)

I think I am pretty slow in applying for jobs etc. I keeps on telling myself "tomorrow lah" and yeah, I regretted it. I underestimated in getting a job. Because most of my friends had it easy. They finished final, sent their resumes and got a call right away. So I thought it would be the same to me. NOPE.

Maybe because the jobs here are limited. There is not even one job ads in kelantan in jobstreet. LIFE IS SO SAD. GOD LET ME STAY HERE WITH MY PARENTS !!! I have my parents, I have my own room, SO I AM NOT LEAVING THIS PLACE!

So my parents (and my brother and his wife) have been feeding me EVERYDAY, 3 TIMES A DAY OR MORE and I feels so bad T_T I watched allllllll dramas from every channels and yea...fattening myself.

Anyway, in the middle of waiting for a love call, I locked myself in the room for days and finishing the project that I have been talking about. Wait....I am not sure if I did mention it here before...Anyway, I was working on a project and I AM SO EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE IT HERE !!!!!