Sunday, June 17, 2018

I had a monster in me.

I was reading When Breath Becomes Air (highly recommended!) first chapter and suddenly I came across on writing this. The one you're about to read. Funny how after a long hiatus, I suddenly came back to this space to write this. I inspired on writing a documentary about his illness.

I've never mention this to anyone other than my family and few friends of mine. Because I felt like this is not a big deal (but somehow, it is. For me).


Around 13 years ago, I was sitting on my brother's lap while watching tv. I was 10 at that time. Until he noticed something 'wrong' with me. He held my stomach - there IS something wrong with it. I never thought of it until he did. He notified my parents. They were both worried about it.

They brought me to the clinic in the area the next day, I guess. The doctor has no idea of what it was. He shook his head. Every patient who went to his clinic, went home with a diagnosed and prescribed medicines. But, he gave me a letter to refer to a specialist at Hospital Selayang.

On appointed date, my mom and I went to the hospital. They told me to lie down on the bed. And the doctor in charged did the basic check up and hold my stomach. He shook his head as well and he called his colleague for another opinion but it was useless. My mom thought that maybe my body was shocked because I fell A LOT. Especially from the seesaw. Kids like to bully me on a seesaw. They jumped out while I was on it. The doctors were  like, "maybe in 2-3 years, it will be gone?" (Bitch- it has been 13 years). They advised my mom to go back to the clinic and asked for a letter to the General Hospital in KL. So we did.

We went back to the clinic, told the doctor and he wrote the letter referring to the general hospital. There were a lot of going back and forth to the hospital when I was 11. With my mom and dad. Endless check up and whatnot but they told me that I was a perfect healthy young girl but my body said otherwise. They advised us to go for a MRI. It was bloody expensive, I heard but because of my mom has a pension card, we got to have it for free.

My dad took a leave, I had an MC for it and missed lab class (which I quite disappointed on missing it) and we all went for the MRI. I changed into a patient gown with no any other cloth on me. And so I lied down on the bed and it moved me into a tunnel-like hole. I could not remember how long I was in there but the MRI made a freaking loud noise like the F1 race was just next to your ears. The nurse told me I cannot move at all or it will ruined everything. feet were numb and I moved my fingers A LIL BIT and they stopped everything. My mom backed me up that I can't not move. But I kept quiet that I did it on purpose lol. We have to wait after another patient who has fell asleep under anaesthesia to go for the MRI. It was my turn and I told myself to hold it in and finish it in one go. I fell asleep for a moment and voila -  finished the check up.

We came back to the hospital and and the MRI test showed us nothing wrong with me. My brain looked fine. (They scanned the brain because from there you could diagnose stuff). We leave the hospital with zero result. My mom was not satisfied. MY BODY WAS NOT FINE! I HAD A MONSTER IN ME. I would call it as a monster since they could not diagnosed me. They could not diagnosed this mysterious stuff in me. My stomach was not normal. It looked like I had a hiccup but in my stomach. It just beats every seconds.

My mom found another alternative - an electronical treatment at Gasundheit (they were famous for their ECPI drink). Basically they treated us using something like electronics wires and stuff with a study of electronic waves etc and the pills were based on our DNA. I went for few treatment and had their pills. One day, my mom was waking me up for subuh and I somehow TRIED to hold this monster in. My mom thought I still sleeping - she hold my stomach and the pace was getting slower and she was so so so happy that it worked ! But tbh it was me, who did it. Anyway, it did getting slower until I was attacked with high fever and I had the prescribed pills from the clinic and the monster ? It came back. With faster beat. The Gaseundheit doctor told me something like the pills from the clinic overcame the pills from there - hence it happened. I gave up.

Later in that year, we went back to Kelantan for raya. I could not remember how but I found myself in a car with my mom, my aunt and my grandma to the famous shaman in the village. The que was usually long but it was empty that day. They did not take any guests, maybe? But my grandma plead for me. This one makcik told me to sit and she was murmuring i-dont-know-what-surah and she told me someone sent 'something' to me. And there's like 'benda ghaib' at our house in KL. (For God sake, how on earth people went to a shaman who make up stories ughhhhhhhh). Since then I was mad at my mom for bringing me there. I know all she wanted was to find a cure for me but not a shaman, mom?????????

I gave up. I gave up with myself. I gave up on having any treatment. I gave up with everything. Just like the doctors said, since it didn't affect my studies etc - it's okay. I scored well in exams. Thus, it was okay. It was just my body - that's not normal.

My mom ? She has not gave up yet. We moved to Kelantan in 2008 and stopped getting any updates from the GH since then. But my mom still forcing me to go for another treatment. I was so done with my mom. I cared nothing but she worried for my future. She even thought if this would affect me when I got pregnant or giving birth. MY MOM EVERYONE. After thousands of times persuading me, I agreed to go to the nearby clinic. The doctor there is a famous one. She couldn't diagnosed me but this could be nerve related. So she prescribed me some nerve pills and see any results but nope - nothing happened. I gave up.

Years went by, my mom STILL has not give up. Instead of a shaman, she brought me to an ustaz that was introduced by someone. Unlike the shaman, he told me that it could be my blood nerve that was not straight hence caused the hiccup. He advised for an acupuncture treatment but we never did it.

I was forced to go for another check up at KPJ but I glued my body at home and failed my mom.

A year ago, my mom dragged me to this spa - to have a massage on it (not the normal massage btw) SHE STILL HAS NOT GIVE UP ! I was getting closer to the age where marriage would happened anytime soon, the age where pregnancy would happened anytime soon after I got married. The future that she worried of many years ago was getting closer. (LOL). She was still trying to find any alternative. I went for once and I gave up. I just don't like it. But I like what the lady told me. "God is Almighty. We never knows what will happen. Who knows he make it even easier when you gives birth?"

13 years later, this monster still living in me. I wore big shirts on purpose to not have people see it. I don't really like people sleep on my lap since 'it moves'.

I once watched Brain on Fire and cried a lot because I felt so related to the movie. Her brain was on fire but the doctors told her that she's fine. All the tests said so. But unlike me, she hasn't give up. So did her parents. And they found the right cure.

But me ? Still mysterious.


Saturday, January 6, 2018

Quick new year updates!

Couple of weeks have passed since the tragic news. I am still in sorrow, still grieving, still couldn't forget the fact that he's gone. Tons of draft I planned to finish writing and published 'em before the year ends failed me.

Here the quick updates of my new year, my new life that I always missed timing to post about it. This supposed to be the most exciting post of the phase in my life.


It is a small company. I got a call for an interview for the last week of 2017 and 2 days later I got a call that I got accepted. (I shall save this till the next post....well I really promised a lot but sorry life eat me and my time....I'LL TRY !)

I have been working since the 1st January. So far, it isn't that great. But I thought it is too early to judge. Anyway, my parents send me and fetch me from the office everyday. No jam, no hastle, so I am quite happy about that part.

I am now part of the audit team. Life is really amazing right ? I can't imagine I am in this department. It was never be in my life plan tho. For now, I am just trying to learn hard in this small company for my future. Wish me luck ! xx

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

A tragic news. (warn: NOT mine)

I have been thinking a lot whether or not to write this. This blog was made to keep all the memories that I had. But I think up till now, I have only write the happy memories. I mean other than the failures posts which to remind me the struggle that I had. After a lot of thoughts, I decided to write this. So that I will never forget him.

Yesterday, a tragic news attacked me in the evening at 6.30 p.m. It was none other than, my beloved Jonghyun. You all knows that I really really really love SHINee. Ever since their hello baby era UNTIL NOW. NON STOP!!!! I never take a break from them. I never stan any new groups. Only SHINee until forever.

That evening I finished my skipping routine and while I was preparing for iftar, I reached my phone and "please pray for jonghyun" was on my kakaotalk notification from the intl groupchat. I was like "WHAT HAPPENED?? DID HE GOT INTO ACCIDENT OR WHAT???"

I rushed to twitter and the first two tweets that I saw were both containing "dead". I was panicked. I read slowly "SHINee's Jonghyun was found dead. Potential suicide". Tears rushed out of my eyes down through the cheek. I ran around the house, I screamed, I cried, my fingers did not leave the phone. Mom kept asking what happened. I couldn't tell her. I keep refreshing the feed until I see someone said it was a rumors. but death news all over my timeline. FROM THE WHOLE WORLD media outlet. It was almost azan and mom told me to scoop the rice but I barely could walk. I lost the strength in my legs. I forced myself not to drop the plates and glasses. I kept thinking of him that I didn't realize that I has finished eating.

I wished I was dreaming, I wished I was sleeping, I wish they were lying, I wished they were just a rumors. Suddenly so many celebs, so many fans/non-fans were sending condolences, but I was still not believing it. I asked everyone to say it was just a lie. I asked everyone to say that it was just someone using jonghyun's name. But they are all saying it is the truth and I have to accept it. I STILL COULDN'T FIND THE EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS THE TRUTH, WHY DO I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT?

That night everyone was like "doctor still haven't declare death" "doctors came out saying they are fighting for him" "doctors are doing cpr on him" "the family begged doctor to save him" and some said they were having autopsy etc. I couldn't trust anyone. I was just waiting for SM to release the official statement because I could only trust them.

Even so, I still holding on to the word 'HOPE'. I prayed for a miracle. Even if there is a slight 0.001% of chance that they could save him, I would still put my faith in it. Then everything slows down. I thought he gonna make it.

At 11.30 p.m. ++ (local time), a kakaotalk notif came in from far while I was playing with the kids. I ran to grab my phone and sat down and opened it. "SM has confirmed he is dead"

My heart dropped to the floor. I didn't cry because I cried a lot that evening for few hours. I ran out of tears. I wanted to cry. But I could feel my heart was ripping. My whole timeline was dark. Everyone was crying.

We just hyped up so hard during his concert LAST WEEKEND. We were so excited of the new songs that he released in the concert. He finished filming his music video and jacket shoot 3 days ago. In August, a scandal attacked Onew which made him silence for over 4 months (I cried a lot back then). 5 DAYS AGO, they announced that SHINee will be back as FIVE in February. We cried of joy. We were so excited for the new year! We miss them so bad!! And when his sudden death was hitting me, I was in shock, I was speechless. This was so sudden. I was in denial for the whole night. I could not even sleep that night. I woke up many times last night. The news were playing all over my mind.

That morning, I reached my phone and a news of him leaving his last letter to Nine (a singer and his friend). The tears that I ran out last night was full again that I cried a bucket when I was reading the translation of his letter. It was so painful but I kept on reading it for 3 times (different translators). I could not stop crying that I had headache that morning because of lack of sleep. I tried to change my position and get some sleep again. I did, finally but with the bad dreams......

ahhhhh it was so painful to write this while having his songs playing on itunes -- 

Jonghyun-ah..... You were more like a family to me instead of an idol. SHINee is a family to me. A HUGE part of my heart I gave it to SHINee. I love all five members equally. I once said that even death will never separate us apart. Who would have thought death really comes between us. It is still shocking and I tried to accept it but I couldn't. My friends were saying "stay strong" to me but if only it really gave me strength. "Pain is just a pain" like you always said.

Jonghyun-ah, during my uni days, when I was feeling down, I faced a lot of hardship, I failed a lot, I got tired a lot, my family didn't comfort me the way that I expected them to, but whenever that happened, I chose to listen to your songs and it washed them away. Your songs came into my life and I forgot everything whenever I closed my eyes while listening to your songs.Yes, I could not fully understand the lyrics, but your voice, your music, your songs beat the language barrier. That is how powerful and healing your songs are. 

You helped so many people, you helped people who had depression, you helped people who had panic attack, you helped everyone. Even till the last moment of your life, you registered yourself as an organ donator. You warmed everyone through your voice and your songs. You started DJ-ing on Blue Night. It was a midnight segment (from 12 a.m. till 2 a.m. KST) but I always find any opportunity to listen to it. Tho the connection was slow at my college. Every time I was studying, I chose to listen to your radio because your voice was so soothing. I listened to your radio every night during my study leave. Your voice reading the messages, your voice when you were sharing your own story, it was so perfect with the midnight wind was blowing through the window.

"Thanks to you, my whole life becomes warm"- that was the last quote on the banner on your last day of your concert. It is the truth. I will forever be a truth.

After 3 years of dj-ing, you told us you have to quit for sake of your health. I never thought you had a severe depression. Tho you mentioned it a lot. You mentioned you had depression but I didn't know that. I am so sorry. I regretted this a lot.

You seek for help, you silently reached people through your songs, you silently reached for help. I am so sorry I didn't notice that. I am so sorry I couldn't do anything. I am so sorry I couldn't help you when you helped us a lot. I think the fact that you decided to take your own life, you passing in a painful way, are really painful to me. That's why I couldn't accept your death. That's why I am still in a denial. Because you were suffering alone. You were in pain. You were crying. That hurts me even more. My heart is breaking when I thought of losing you. But it breaks even more because you were enduring the pain behind that smile.

You planned your death. You planned your final concert to see shawols for the last time. (His face when he were looking at the pearl aqua ocean is so painful to watch - we were like "awh he looked at us with tears in his eyes". Who would have thought deep inside he thought "this will be the last" :((( )You planned your final album as a last gift for shawols. You left your final letter before the concert. You planned everything and we didn't know !! You chose to take your own life at a rented officetel alone. How painful would it be for you to come to that decision.

Jonghyun-ah, in my religion, there is no the next life. The hereafter is a long lasting. But if God decided to have a next life, I hope you were born as a normal person that full of happiness! I hope you no longer suffer in this world.

Your friend said you were unable to sleep without sleeping pills. You always told us you cannot sleep until the sun rises, you always told us you sleep late. But yesterday, you slept so early. And no more sleeping pills after this. Sleep well baby. May you rest well up there. SHINee may lose a human but they gained an angel.

Thank you Kim Jonghyun for coming to my life. Thank you for the past 10 years. Thank you for pouring your love on us. Thank you for coming out a great music (which you are the only idol-composer that fit my genre and my style!!!!!) Thank you for everything that you have done in this world. You have worked hard. You've really gone through a lot. Thank you and I love you. Eventhough it will never be the same, you will always remain in my memories FOREVER!

"Jonghyun. Who loved music more than anybody, enjoyed the stage, the greatest artist who liked communicating with his fans through music.

We will always remember you."

An OT5 shawol since 2010.

Friday, December 15, 2017


So, I have already mentioned in my previous entry that I was working on a project and it was about MY FIRST VIDEO EVERR !!!!!!!!!

I kept over 300 footages for almost 6 MONTHS and I finally worked on it and got it uploaded on 5th December at 5.25 p.m. KST (y'all I just gotta make the date so special because it was the day Onew finally spoke up after 4 months of silence and 525 is OUR number a.k.a SHINee's anniversary)

I was inspired by this one vlogger named Joan and she mentioned about keeping your memories in a form of a video so that when you watch it again, it kinda re-live your memories.

Only then I thought- ahh I barely blogs anything about my campus life because I kinda lose my momentum in blogging. 4 years went by and it hit me hard that I was in my final semester. Then I decided to make a video and film things that I have been doing, things I have gone through there. Plus, I still have no plan on pursuing Master in the nearer times, so this is like a treasure box of my life as a student! My 2018 onwards would be all about work work work work and work. Also, I kinda losing my memories little by little, I forgot my old crush's name, I forgot my phone number, I forgot some numbers that I always remember, I forgot how I call my friends' name as etc. So this video would be one of the tools, other than my blog to keep my memories.

The video almost hit 100 views which is a shock to me because I had small number of followers on my sns, I only posted it on twitter, to my family and to my friend, Dali (which is, she's the one who spread it lol). I think some of the views I got because of Lenka (who has manyyyy friends on twitter) and Dali (who also has many fans) retweeted my tweet.

So, here it is, my first baby! It was a super boring one but I hope you enjoyed it!

(Fck I still couldn't figure it out on how to change the thumbnail)
(also, please don't laugh at my channel name because (copy&paste above))

You know rawr means I love You in dinosaur language lol

Edited using my brain with helps of Wondershare Filmora;
Intro music: Free song from the software;
Then, SHINee's View instrumental by Everysing;
The rest, Cheese in the trap OST
(I changed the songs to higher pitch so that I won't get copyrighted and get blocked lolllll)

Till the next one, BYEEEE!