I have been thinking a lot whether or not to write this. This blog was made to keep all the memories that I had. But I think up till now, I have only write the happy memories. I mean other than the failures posts which to remind me the struggle that I had. After a lot of thoughts, I decided to write this. So that I will never forget him.
Yesterday, a tragic news attacked me in the evening at 6.30 p.m. It was none other than, my beloved Jonghyun. You all knows that I really really really love SHINee. Ever since their hello baby era UNTIL NOW. NON STOP!!!! I never take a break from them. I never stan any new groups. Only SHINee until forever.
That evening I finished my skipping routine and while I was preparing for iftar, I reached my phone and "please pray for jonghyun" was on my kakaotalk notification from the intl groupchat. I was like "WHAT HAPPENED?? DID HE GOT INTO ACCIDENT OR WHAT???"
I rushed to twitter and the first two tweets that I saw were both containing "dead". I was panicked. I read slowly "SHINee's Jonghyun was found dead. Potential suicide". Tears rushed out of my eyes down through the cheek. I ran around the house, I screamed, I cried, my fingers did not leave the phone. Mom kept asking what happened. I couldn't tell her. I keep refreshing the feed until I see someone said it was a rumors. but death news all over my timeline. FROM THE WHOLE WORLD media outlet. It was almost azan and mom told me to scoop the rice but I barely could walk. I lost the strength in my legs. I forced myself not to drop the plates and glasses. I kept thinking of him that I didn't realize that I has finished eating.
I wished I was dreaming, I wished I was sleeping, I wish they were lying, I wished they were just a rumors. Suddenly so many celebs, so many fans/non-fans were sending condolences, but I was still not believing it. I asked everyone to say it was just a lie. I asked everyone to say that it was just someone using jonghyun's name. But they are all saying it is the truth and I have to accept it. I STILL COULDN'T FIND THE EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS THE TRUTH, WHY DO I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT?
That night everyone was like "doctor still haven't declare death" "doctors came out saying they are fighting for him" "doctors are doing cpr on him" "the family begged doctor to save him" and some said they were having autopsy etc. I couldn't trust anyone. I was just waiting for SM to release the official statement because I could only trust them.
Even so, I still holding on to the word 'HOPE'. I prayed for a miracle. Even if there is a slight 0.001% of chance that they could save him, I would still put my faith in it. Then everything slows down. I thought he gonna make it.
At 11.30 p.m. ++ (local time), a kakaotalk notif came in from far while I was playing with the kids. I ran to grab my phone and sat down and opened it. "SM has confirmed he is dead"
My heart dropped to the floor. I didn't cry because I cried a lot that evening for few hours. I ran out of tears. I wanted to cry. But I could feel my heart was ripping. My whole timeline was dark. Everyone was crying.
We just hyped up so hard during his concert LAST WEEKEND. We were so excited of the new songs that he released in the concert. He finished filming his music video and jacket shoot 3 days ago. In August, a scandal attacked Onew which made him silence for over 4 months (I cried a lot back then). 5 DAYS AGO, they announced that SHINee will be back as FIVE in February. We cried of joy. We were so excited for the new year! We miss them so bad!! And when his sudden death was hitting me, I was in shock, I was speechless. This was so sudden. I was in denial for the whole night. I could not even sleep that night. I woke up many times last night. The news were playing all over my mind.
That morning, I reached my phone and a news of him leaving his last letter to Nine (a singer and his friend). The tears that I ran out last night was full again that I cried a bucket when I was reading the translation of his letter. It was so painful but I kept on reading it for 3 times (different translators). I could not stop crying that I had headache that morning because of lack of sleep. I tried to change my position and get some sleep again. I did, finally but with the bad dreams......
ahhhhh it was so painful to write this while having his songs playing on itunes --
Jonghyun-ah..... You were more like a family to me instead of an idol. SHINee is a family to me. A HUGE part of my heart I gave it to SHINee. I love all five members equally. I once said that even death will never separate us apart. Who would have thought death really comes between us. It is still shocking and I tried to accept it but I couldn't. My friends were saying "stay strong" to me but if only it really gave me strength. "Pain is just a pain" like you always said.
Jonghyun-ah, during my uni days, when I was feeling down, I faced a lot of hardship, I failed a lot, I got tired a lot, my family didn't comfort me the way that I expected them to, but whenever that happened, I chose to listen to your songs and it washed them away. Your songs came into my life and I forgot everything whenever I closed my eyes while listening to your songs.Yes, I could not fully understand the lyrics, but your voice, your music, your songs beat the language barrier. That is how powerful and healing your songs are.
You helped so many people, you helped people who had depression, you helped people who had panic attack, you helped everyone. Even till the last moment of your life, you registered yourself as an organ donator. You warmed everyone through your voice and your songs. You started DJ-ing on Blue Night. It was a midnight segment (from 12 a.m. till 2 a.m. KST) but I always find any opportunity to listen to it. Tho the connection was slow at my college. Every time I was studying, I chose to listen to your radio because your voice was so soothing. I listened to your radio every night during my study leave. Your voice reading the messages, your voice when you were sharing your own story, it was so perfect with the midnight wind was blowing through the window.
"Thanks to you, my whole life becomes warm"- that was the last quote on the banner on your last day of your concert. It is the truth. I will forever be a truth.
After 3 years of dj-ing, you told us you have to quit for sake of your health. I never thought you had a severe depression. Tho you mentioned it a lot. You mentioned you had depression but I didn't know that. I am so sorry. I regretted this a lot.
You seek for help, you silently reached people through your songs, you silently reached for help. I am so sorry I didn't notice that. I am so sorry I couldn't do anything. I am so sorry I couldn't help you when you helped us a lot. I think the fact that you decided to take your own life, you passing in a painful way, are really painful to me. That's why I couldn't accept your death. That's why I am still in a denial. Because you were suffering alone. You were in pain. You were crying. That hurts me even more. My heart is breaking when I thought of losing you. But it breaks even more because you were enduring the pain behind that smile.
You planned your death. You planned your final concert to see shawols for the last time. (His face when he were looking at the pearl aqua ocean is so painful to watch - we were like "awh he looked at us with tears in his eyes". Who would have thought deep inside he thought "this will be the last" :((( )You planned your final album as a last gift for shawols. You left your final letter before the concert. You planned everything and we didn't know !! You chose to take your own life at a rented officetel alone. How painful would it be for you to come to that decision.
Jonghyun-ah, in my religion, there is no the next life. The hereafter is a long lasting. But if God decided to have a next life, I hope you were born as a normal person that full of happiness! I hope you no longer suffer in this world.
Your friend said you were unable to sleep without sleeping pills. You always told us you cannot sleep until the sun rises, you always told us you sleep late. But yesterday, you slept so early. And no more sleeping pills after this. Sleep well baby. May you rest well up there. SHINee may lose a human but they gained an angel.
Thank you Kim Jonghyun for coming to my life. Thank you for the past 10 years. Thank you for pouring your love on us. Thank you for coming out a great music (which you are the only idol-composer that fit my genre and my style!!!!!) Thank you for everything that you have done in this world. You have worked hard. You've really gone through a lot. Thank you and I love you. Eventhough it will never be the same, you will always remain in my memories FOREVER!
"Jonghyun. Who loved music more than anybody, enjoyed the stage, the greatest artist who liked communicating with his fans through music.
We will always remember you."
Loves,
An OT5 shawol since 2010.
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