I had a monster in me.

I was reading When Breath Becomes Air (highly recommended!) first chapter and suddenly I came across on writing this. The one you're about to read. Funny how after a long hiatus, I suddenly came back to this space to write this. I inspired on writing a documentary about his illness.

I've never mention this to anyone other than my family and few friends of mine. Because I felt like this is not a big deal (but somehow, it is. For me).

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Around 13 years ago, I was sitting on my brother's lap while watching tv. I was 10 at that time. Until he noticed something 'wrong' with me. He held my stomach - there IS something wrong with it. I never thought of it until he did. He notified my parents. They were both worried about it.

They brought me to the clinic in the area the next day, I guess. The doctor has no idea of what it was. He shook his head. Every patient who went to his clinic, went home with a diagnosed and prescribed medicines. But, he gave me a letter to refer to a specialist at Hospital Selayang.

On appointed date, my mom and I went to the hospital. They told me to lie down on the bed. And the doctor in charged did the basic check up and hold my stomach. He shook his head as well and he called his colleague for another opinion but it was useless. My mom thought that maybe my body was shocked because I fell A LOT. Especially from the seesaw. Kids like to bully me on a seesaw. They jumped out while I was on it. The doctors were  like, "maybe in 2-3 years, it will be gone?" (Bitch- it has been 13 years). They advised my mom to go back to the clinic and asked for a letter to the General Hospital in KL. So we did.

We went back to the clinic, told the doctor and he wrote the letter referring to the general hospital. There were a lot of going back and forth to the hospital when I was 11. With my mom and dad. Endless check up and whatnot but they told me that I was a perfect healthy young girl but my body said otherwise. They advised us to go for a MRI. It was bloody expensive, I heard but because of my mom has a pension card, we got to have it for free.

My dad took a leave, I had an MC for it and missed lab class (which I quite disappointed on missing it) and we all went for the MRI. I changed into a patient gown with no any other cloth on me. And so I lied down on the bed and it moved me into a tunnel-like hole. I could not remember how long I was in there but the MRI made a freaking loud noise like the F1 race was just next to your ears. The nurse told me I cannot move at all or it will ruined everything. But...my feet were numb and I moved my fingers A LIL BIT and they stopped everything. My mom backed me up that I can't not move. But I kept quiet that I did it on purpose lol. We have to wait after another patient who has fell asleep under anaesthesia to go for the MRI. It was my turn and I told myself to hold it in and finish it in one go. I fell asleep for a moment and voila -  finished the check up.

We came back to the hospital and and the MRI test showed us nothing wrong with me. My brain looked fine. (They scanned the brain because from there you could diagnose stuff). We leave the hospital with zero result. My mom was not satisfied. MY BODY WAS NOT FINE! I HAD A MONSTER IN ME. I would call it as a monster since they could not diagnosed me. They could not diagnosed this mysterious stuff in me. My stomach was not normal. It looked like I had a hiccup but in my stomach. It just beats every seconds.

My mom found another alternative - an electronical treatment at Gasundheit (they were famous for their ECPI drink). Basically they treated us using something like electronics wires and stuff with a study of electronic waves etc and the pills were based on our DNA. I went for few treatment and had their pills. One day, my mom was waking me up for subuh and I somehow TRIED to hold this monster in. My mom thought I still sleeping - she hold my stomach and the pace was getting slower and she was so so so happy that it worked ! But tbh it was me, who did it. Anyway, it did getting slower until I was attacked with high fever and I had the prescribed pills from the clinic and the monster ? It came back. With faster beat. The Gaseundheit doctor told me something like the pills from the clinic overcame the pills from there - hence it happened. I gave up.

Later in that year, we went back to Kelantan for raya. I could not remember how but I found myself in a car with my mom, my aunt and my grandma to the famous shaman in the village. The que was usually long but it was empty that day. They did not take any guests, maybe? But my grandma plead for me. This one makcik told me to sit and she was murmuring i-dont-know-what-surah and she told me someone sent 'something' to me. And there's like 'benda ghaib' at our house in KL. (For God sake, how on earth people went to a shaman who make up stories ughhhhhhhh). Since then I was mad at my mom for bringing me there. I know all she wanted was to find a cure for me but not a shaman, mom?????????

I gave up. I gave up with myself. I gave up on having any treatment. I gave up with everything. Just like the doctors said, since it didn't affect my studies etc - it's okay. I scored well in exams. Thus, it was okay. It was just my body - that's not normal.

My mom ? She has not gave up yet. We moved to Kelantan in 2008 and stopped getting any updates from the GH since then. But my mom still forcing me to go for another treatment. I was so done with my mom. I cared nothing but she worried for my future. She even thought if this would affect me when I got pregnant or giving birth. MY MOM EVERYONE. After thousands of times persuading me, I agreed to go to the nearby clinic. The doctor there is a famous one. She couldn't diagnosed me but this could be nerve related. So she prescribed me some nerve pills and see any results but nope - nothing happened. I gave up.

Years went by, my mom STILL has not give up. Instead of a shaman, she brought me to an ustaz that was introduced by someone. Unlike the shaman, he told me that it could be my blood nerve that was not straight hence caused the hiccup. He advised for an acupuncture treatment but we never did it.

I was forced to go for another check up at KPJ but I glued my body at home and failed my mom.

A year ago, my mom dragged me to this spa - to have a massage on it (not the normal massage btw) SHE STILL HAS NOT GIVE UP ! I was getting closer to the age where marriage would happened anytime soon, the age where pregnancy would happened anytime soon after I got married. The future that she worried of many years ago was getting closer. (LOL). She was still trying to find any alternative. I went for once and I gave up. I just don't like it. But I like what the lady told me. "God is Almighty. We never knows what will happen. Who knows he make it even easier when you gives birth?"

13 years later, this monster still living in me. I wore big shirts on purpose to not have people see it. I don't really like people sleep on my lap since 'it moves'.

I once watched Brain on Fire and cried a lot because I felt so related to the movie. Her brain was on fire but the doctors told her that she's fine. All the tests said so. But unlike me, she hasn't give up. So did her parents. And they found the right cure.

But me ? Still mysterious.

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