Depression

My friend, marsya retweeted about depression from the twt rakyat twitter account. It hit me very, very hard. I had a hard time back during the study weeks. We had a month of study weeks, so I've been locking myself at the study table for the whole month until exam days. Remember my last post about me calling my mom ? It was during that week where I had the hardest.

Here the infos I extracted from the tweets;

Symptoms of depression :

1. It affects how you feel - miserable, guilt, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, emptiness, worthlessness - yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
2. Loss of interest - yes (especially in my die hard kpop)
3. Loss of drive and motivation - yes
4. Difficulty in making decisions - always
5. Poor concentration and loss of memory - VERY
6. Becoming angry, aggressive - yes
7. Loss of self-esteem, social withdrawal - yes
8. Fatigue, easily tired - i think ?
9. Change in appetite – change in weight - before study week lagi haha
10. Change in sleeping pattern - because i sleep late
11. Self-hate, self-blame, guilt - yes, yes, yes
12. Negative thoughts, pessimistic - yes, yes
13. Suicidal thoughts - nauzubillah.

I had a fight with my sister and my eldest brother a week before the study week. I was sitting for trial exam during that time. Yes, those thoughts that I mentioned before was this case. I had a severe symptom number 6, 11, and 12. It wasn't enough with my siblings, those symptoms number 11 and 12 came when my memory flashbacked what I did when I was in high school, when I just moved to that school.

A guy quoted the tweet saying,"It pisses me more when it is assumed that it is a spiritual defect aka 'you don't pray enough'". That's what my sister always said to me whenever I texted her that I was having a hard time. But I'm taking it in a good way, on what she said and I accepted her advice. (She should stop replying me with '-.-' in every single reply tbh. sighh)

"One of the most common mentalillness is depression". Wow this scares me even more. When I called my mom previously, I told her in tears all sort of negative thoughts etc, she said I could become crazy if I keep thinking. I was like I think I am now. Little did I know, I was in depression.

I think I am better now since it was a semester break. And it was a peaceful holy month of ramadhan. Those thoughts came when I was concentrating on something. Like you are using your brain for the concentration, but the brain pushed the memory that you want to erase.

May Allah guide us to live in a better way of Islam and protect us from the devils that trying to ruin our life (and the family bond). Ameen.