Wednesday, July 19, 2017

And so it happened.....

Ssup guys, i am currently blogging in my room in my uni hostel

and you could guess what does that mean......

yepp... i am back in uitm guys. and yes, I failed my FINAL paper and I could not become an affiliate (yet). How was I, you wonder? So here I am writing this post for the future me could be reminded how hard it is to become an affiliate.

I never tell my parents the exam date. I just briefly told them it would be on second week of July till my friend came to our house and told him it would be out on monday of 17th at 7 in the morning. (Thanks fam! lolll) Since then my parents sort of pressuring me even more about result date. ummm okay.....I usually left home 2-3 days before result day because I have to register for new semester the next day but this time, I bought a flight ticket to KL on the day the result day so that I could planned what to do after the result was released in the morning.

It was even more pressuring because it was my final semester and my final two papers. I am either could pursue on looking for a job or I have to resit for exam. I could only tawakal to Allah. I could not miss out praying for my result everyday.

That morning, I woke up by myself for subuh. And I cleaned up my room because I was leaving on that day and scrolled twitter for a while till the clock ticked at 7 o'clock. 4 minutes later, my phone beeped a message came in. 


I was already redha because at that time the result has been tattooed in the text message and I didn't think God can change the numbers.

"P6 - 50% Pass"
"P7 - 49% Fail"

My heart dropped on the floor. First thing I did was sujud syukur right away for that one pass. At the end of the day, it is better to pass one rather than none. The next thing was..I stood in front of the door of my room and hold the handle for 10 minutes. I whispered to myself, "how do I go do I go do I go out" for that long.

I could not go out of my room and face my parents. But, I finally went out after 10 minutes and the door of my parents' room was already open as if they were waiting for me. I just froze and my brain just could not process on walking to the room.

I closed my eyes and walked into the room and back-hugged my mom who was lying on the bed and she thought it was dad that hugged her (come on mom...) and i was silent for 5 minutes. Without realizing tears started to flow down on my cheeks. Mom thought I was going to surprise them. No mom, no. So, I told them and I already know they were dissapointed.

I whatsapp-ed the group and dad even wrote NEXT TO ME how he was feeling so sad and all. Mom said she wanted to held a kenduri kesyukuran if I passed. Dad said he wanted to free out the bird he saved the other day if I passed. And I let both down.

It was so frustrated because I failed at 49%. I lacked of 1% to become an affiliate, to achieve all the wishes my parents had, to finish everything.

The other day, when I was on my way to the hostel to check in my room, the moment we step into uitm, the moment I have to climb up the hills and stairs to my faculty, the moment I have to register for my class, the moment I went to DC to buy dinner, the moment I went to supermarket to buy necessary stuff and more, I hate myself more and more. I hate THE 1% that made me re-do all this stuff that I bid farewell a month ago.

The moment I walked out from my hostel last month, I already said to myself I am not coming here again. I waved goodbye to my faculty, to the places I often went to, to every places in this uni. And when I think about this, again, I keep hating myself even more. I am usually okay for failing my papers but NOT WHEN I AM LACK OF 1 MARK TO PASS MY FINAL PAPER.

I will forever hate this mark. And I will forever hate myself for not trying harder. I will forever hate the lack of one mark that make me restart everything, to leave home when I am not prepared to leave. Till tonight, I am still resent myself. I feel like eating a painkiller because it hurts so bad. Or.... I feel like stabbing myself more because I am already in pain. I felt demotivated. I lose the will to study again.

However, when I look back at the text message, little did I forget, I passed one. the 50% marks that made me passed the paper I thought I would failed, that I afraid to resit the paper. I forgot I prayed to pass even if with 50% and Allah granted it. I resent myself for not being grateful. Oh Lord, is this a test you give to me?

That morning, I texted my P6 lecturer, Dr. Lai. And she replied with 3 different color hearts along with "I am so happy for you!!" and a congratulation. My parents were silent because they were sad. It saddened me more. But the text brightened up my sorrow morning. I could not stop thanking her. And this noon, she sent a photo of names that would received a present. She promised us prior to exam to give souvenirs from China for top scorers and most improves ! (She went to China during our study leaves loll) and MY NAME WAS IN THE PHOTO! I could not stop smiling thinking of the present that I was about to receive!

Lord.... are you giving me rainbows one by one ? Sure Lord, you know even more how bad the storms and all catastrophe I had in my soul and body.

Tho I am still resenting myself, life has to move on and I have to get back on track and I HAVE TO PASS THE LAST PAPER!! Pray for me everyone. For me to be able on making my parents grins from ears to ears.

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